I couldn't sleep last night. I was tossing and turning the whole time, I flipped my pillow, tried sleeping without the blankets... I tried everything. Still no sleep. So I just lied there awake. Something in my brain just refused to be quiet for a few hours.
I sat in bed, thinking, for about six hours straight. Maybe not so much thinking, as arguing with myself. I am my own worst critic, and I guess I had a lot to critisize last night. I don't know any of these people anymore, and I'm wondering if it's me that's changed, or if everything has just joined the world in its mad dance.
I keep finding myself further from everyone, and not where I want to be. It's like paddling at a steady cadence up a river, but still ending up downstream. In the span of a blink of an eye, everything I knew or was familiar with, changed. Or maybe it was me that changed, and I'm only paying enough attention now. I can never tell, and its not that it really matters either. Another blink of the eye, and things will have changed yet again. My own memories taunt me now, as I think back. Things and people that I knew back in time are now impossible. There's nothing left of the times past, except for me (and lets face it, that's the part that everyone wishes would get up on the times).
I'm going to stop and rest for a bit.
And then I'm going to work.
2 comments:
Did you put your pillow where your feet are supposed to be?
I used to critisize myself for every little thing I did or said or even thought that sounded a little bit wrong. I hated myself. If I said something that didn't make sense or drop something during class, I would remind myself of how stupid I was for hours afterwards. I don't know what happened, one day I just decided to stop.
I haven't done it since. People do strange things, people are strange. I was told two days ago "you're strange. but in a strange way that I like". at least that's good. I used to think everyone noticed when I did something I shouldn't have, that everyone thought I was stupid. That's what a lot of people do, think everyone notices every little detail they do in a way that is less than perfect.
I don't know who is my worst critic anymore. I hope it's still me cuz that means no one has much to critisize me for. I'm far from perfect, and I believe the experience of having critisized myself so much has only made me very realistic. Horrible few years but I'm a better person for it.
I'm the last person who should give others advice though. My life is practically the opposite of what I would like it to be, and of what it whould be for me to be a 'well adjusted young person' (or something of the kind). I just have some kind peace inside of me that I can't explain where came from.
Sorry for keep leaving too long comments...
I don't mind the long comments. :)
I'm normally at peace with myself, but there are times when even I get thrown off. I don't get called "strange," so much as I get called weird, or just "ew." People, even complete strangers, seem magnetically drawn towards criticizing and abusine me. I used to fear being rejected for things that I couldn't control, like my looks or my (lacking) social skills, but I just kind of... got used to it, I guess.
It's just that I've fallen behind, in terms of the people I love and my friends. Everyone's growing up, and I've been here waiting for them this whole time (another sad story, but for another time), and now they're flying past me. I'm clinging to half-dead beliefs and needless morals, seeing harm where there is no harm to come. I know that there are but two constants in my life, myself, and time. If I dawdle in my own private world, no matter how much the people I know love me, they will leave me behind.
I had to stop myself, and the reason I had to critisize myself is because I almost blamed people for something that was too stupid to believe. I don't blame people for their choices in life, and if they're happy with it, so be it. I shouldn't get bent out of shape because people change. It's selfish and arrogant, two things that I abhor little less than hypocracy, and finding myself guilty of both of them was troubling. Turning around and mentally yelling at myself only compounded the feeling of "WTF is wrong with me?"
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