I've got to find something better to do. I feel fine during the day, when I've got stuff to do, and people to talk to, but nights are torture.
Healing is slow for me, made worse by the fact that loved ones think that the best way to speed emotional healing is by heaping scorn and abuse upon my already stinging ego. Like it's somehow my fault that I'm upset by things that are obviously disturbing. Or were disturbing, before things got so fucked up.
I don't know. I spent a long time in comfort, knowing that whatever came along, there would be someone there for me. A cushion to fall back on, and someone who needed me as a cushion when they fell too. It will be a long while before I'm comfortable with not only being single, but being alone again. Yeah, I know, Emo this and Emo that, I'll probably get flak just for even discussing this on my blog, but I feel like a slug in saltwater. Slow torture, and fear of the future.
I feel like I've been born in the wrong time, and there is seriously, genuinely, no place for me here. Not only no place, but there is a very good chance that there is no "one" out there for me either, something I am direly afraid of. It's funny, I'm not afraid of the tangible things that leave most other people quivering, but just the thought of living out a semi-nomadic life with no satisfaction, and no love, leaves me sick at night.
Especially while others prey on misguided beliefs and foolish hearts.
When first meeting me, people are often happy, content, warm. They grow older, but all it takes is one change, one addiction, and I am wiped away. Forgotten, or replaced. Friends aren't forever, and love can't withstand the desire for something new.
1 comment:
I have never had a cushion. Never been one either. I've always been single so it's really all I know.
About "the one"... I don't believe in that, never have. There are some people you can get along with better than others. Just like there is no perfect person, it's about two people being perfect for each other.
Growing old alone is a scary thought, but it's reality to a lot of people. I used to think that finding someone to love must be the most important thing there is. There are a lot of things you can live without, but thinking you'll never find someone to love, or someone to love you, is something most people fear, but few dare to admit.
However... it might be better to be alone than being with the wrong person.
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