Crisis averted... I guess.
I've been sitting here thinking, for quite a while actually. Normally, I'd be glad to share what I think about, but I've learned a few lessons over the last few months, many of them the crushing lessons you can only expect to learn when you reach adulthood. I've learned that what goes on in my mind is, more often than not, best left to die. That isn't a cynical comment. That is the common opinion I get.
In truth, I've been wrestling with myself, the desire to just hate everything for what it is, and the aspirations to beat that desire and see something beyond the gloom and doom. Maybe make a place for myself, and make something of a future. I've also been trying to please everyone, which I already know is a lost cause. The expectations are too damn high, and my abilities can only go so far.
On top of that, I'm trying to discover who it is that I really am, and what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. I might be a news editor now, but I can already tell that this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. I've been called a geek, but I can't remember the last time I spent more than an hour playing a video-game. I'm a thing of change, I think.
My plans for travelling this summer are still there... and are perhaps the only objective I have set and am adamantly adhering to right now. I'm just afraid that the places I want to go won't be what I think they will be, and the people I want to meet... well, you get the idea. The only thing worse than hate is forgetting. Unless you do both.
So, even after this post, I don't remember what it was that I was trying to say. Everything's just a fog. I know there's so much more that I want to say, but I'm not in the business of providing ammunition to those who want to hurt me.
In any event, I'm going back to work. Another constant. I just want to sleep, to relax, to feel something besides fatigue, anxiety, and resentment.
Back to work. That's where I go.
1 comment:
What on earth are you talking about? Sure you can sit down and hate the world, feel bad about everything and think people are crap. But the truth is there's too much out there, too much beauty, too much happiness, too much to see and do. The hard thing is just to find it and realize it really is out there.
I've been up and down, I've thought everything was bad. But I always knew there are good things out there. You just gotta find them. Some people say I'm pessimistic but I don't know.. I'd like to think I'm realistically optimistic. Borderline naïve sometimes.
It's the little things that matter. Sometimes it's just very hard to see them.
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