My Discretion

I can't sleep, and I'm feeling particularly morose right now.
Not that anybody cares what I feel or when, but as it's been known to be, my suffering fuels my writing, so I shall suffer for your entertainment.

I don't really know what to say right now. It seems a lot of circles have closed in the last few months, and all the little places I was in when the circle opened, I've returned to now that it's run full circuit. It feels like, for the last three and a half years, I've done something... but it feels like it was all a dream, and that time's lost to me now.

The time might be gone, but the knowledge... and the memories are still there. It's like that feeling after waking up from a nightmare, that sinking black hole at the bottom of your stomach. You feel terrible, until rationality takes control and you realize it was all just a dream and you can get back to living whatever life you had before you went to bed.

I tend to get that feeling, sans the nightmare. Sleep, no matter what it brings, is a release, because no matter what terror my subconscious concocts, it's never anywhere near as bizarre or as painful as the real world, and what I've experienced here. Take from that what you wish. I could just be a wuss, but everything is scalar.

I mean, a walrus with jagged fangs and burning saliva is pretty terrifying... but waking up to find some domestic terror waiting for you in the dawning hours of the day is even more so. Simply because you cannot sit up suddenly and make it all go away.

It's been no mystery that I haven't been getting along with my parents lately. I'm starting to get my typical young-adult bull-headedness, and I can't stand it when my independance is threatened. I don't need a helmet. I don't need the club for my car, and I don't need to call home from work everyday (I don't, I don't, and I haven't).
Isn't it typical that they want me to live at home until I have enough money saved up to buy my own house... in Calgary?

Idiocy. All of it. I'm not coming back home this summer, and when I do go house hunting, why in the flying fuck would I look in the hottest housing industry in Canada? Why? Why would I want to pay 5 times the worth of a house when I can look in a smaller community and get the same house for a bargain? Why the fuck would I want to live within radio range of home, let alone within driving range?

I want out goddamnit!

Progression. Change. I've done lots, but done so little at the same time. I want to go places and do things...

But then there's the routine. See above outburst.

Take none of this seriously. I feel better now.