A walk

It's clear, that shy of getting thousands of dollars worth of counseling, I've got some issues that need working out. When people talk about closure, they usually talk about a death in the family, some great injustice that needs some kind of action to settle it.

I want a different kind of closure. I want to reconcile with my past, so that instead of having to bury it every day and have it poison the garden, I can face it, and feel in my guts that it's settled and I can move on. It's been almost three years now, and it still feels like that when I buried that epoch in my life, I buried a part of myself with it. Maybe that was a piece of innocence I lost, and I'll be forced to go through the rest of my life feeling like I've got a lead weight in my chest where my heart used to be.

It's affected almost every aspect of my life. In hindsight, I haven't had anything that could be remotely called a fruitful relationship since my first one. I think it has a large part that those I keep ending up with are really incapable of connecting with me on the sublime level, which is no fault of their own. It also has to do with the fact that I don't trust easily, if at all. Where some enjoy the benefits of a lifelong friendship that they can always turn to, all I've had is point-blank betrayal. It's almost a rule now that if someone is trying to get close to me, they're going to try and hurt me at one point, whether through a conscious choice, or just for convenience at an opportunity, I don't really care.

I've been too easy to forgive in the past, as - I've been told - to forgive is to be beyond human. Really, all it's done is make me feel used. Perhaps my lack of faith in humanity is also part of my lack of faith in a benevolent God. If he created us in his image, I can only imagine that such a deity would have a second face that the theologists are loathe to describe.

But anyway, this post isn't about my religious beliefs. It's about what I intend.

When I go home in a couple of Fridays, I'm going to go for a walk. I know I swore I never would have reason to walk in the park east of my house again, I'm going to do it. Maybe scavenge some memories of a happier time, before things got retarded. Maybe I'll get some answers as to why things turned out the way they did, and perhaps where I'm supposed to go next.

I doubt anything will come of it, as my default state seems to be lost at sea. But you never know. I may bring my camera along, so I might snap some pictures of where things used to be, but aren't anymore.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if by chance I stumbled on familiar, painful faces while I'm out walking. But perhaps I'll catch up on the times. And see where everyone has gone, when they decided I was no longer worth keeping around.

Odds are the gates swung wide for them, just as they shut steadfastly for me.
Such are the way things go.