My otherwise good day was soiled. There comes a point where misinformation becomes harmful, and what I thought was supposed to be a public meeting was actually a confidential meet. I think they thought I was there to get a scoop. I was just mistaken.
More bad blood. I imagine soon there won't be anyone left up here who doesn't say my name with scorn, something to be spat off like an over chewed piece of tobacco.
It's a kind of twisting grief, to know that you're doing the best you can, and yet it's never quite enough. It's never known if the demands or too high, or if just my skills are lacking, but none of that matters.
I'm angry. Furious. Incensed even. But somehow tonight, I kept my cool. All that anger, all that desire to turn around and just obliterate something... it feels like a bomb went off inside me. I've only had such a terrible feeling once before in my life, and I thought that would be the end of it.
On one hand, I want someone to pay dearly for all that I've been through. It's that kind of blind rage that paints everyone with the same guilt, either through their action, or inaction. But on the other, I'm telling myself to stop expecting somebody to pay up. Sure, I've seen some pretty rotten people do some pretty rotten things to myself and others, but I can't walk around like some kind of judge and put that over their heads.
Call it a fatalistic futility complex, but I just really don't see a point in anything anymore. The day is a routine, and I care less and less about what I do at work. It's becoming more and more routine, and I just become more detached by the hour. I don't put stock in anything, because it's gotten in my head that everything just ends in disappointment.
It sounds pessimistic, but it's less so when it's true.
Things will change soon, hopefully for the better. I can't imagine them being much worse. It's almost caustic that there's nobody I spend time with out here. They're all older or younger, too ready to foist their single-parent problems or highschool drama on me like I'm some kind of free therapist.
I'm not. I've just had enough experience in dealing with my own problems that I've got a good idea on how others can approach theirs.
Usually that's the only step that's needed, is to realize there's a problem, rather than just being stubborn and stupid and thinking there's nothing wrong.
Guess it's getting to be time to take my own advice and admit there's something wrong.
Quite frankly, I'm a dead man in a living body. I'm waiting for someone to throw me a line, but the skeins aren't looking good.
In any event, this week just became shit in the span of an hour. I'm going to bed to try and sleep it off.
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