Please, a doctor or a bed; I care not which

I'm amazed by quackery.

But even moreso by individuals' willingness to buy into it wholesale.
Lord help me if I develop a serious medical situation and I'm left to be treated by the new-age homeopaths and "old-medicine specialists."
Very likely, I'd be stuffed with Thyme and bathed in authentic sea-salts, while simultaneously being pin-cushioned with wooden spikes to "release my body's healing energies."

Or worse yet, I'd be deemed a vessel for malignant possession, and subject to exorcism by a three-ring circus.

Given how most people have exactly zero understanding of how the body works, I'm extremely hesitant to use or endorse any means of naturopathic/homeopathic/old-medicine remedies. There's absolutely nothing magical about how the body functions and heals itself. We've been building our understanding of medicine for more than a millennia now, and for it all to be tossed on the wayside thanks to a miserable mistrust of doctors is, for lack of a better word, madness.

So, on the account to preempt any forthcoming medical advice, if you're not a doctor - and by that I mean a real doctor, not some loony-fuck in a white coat, kindly close your mouth and spare me this misery. If I'm ill, I'd like to see either a doctor, or a bed. I care not which, but nothing else either, if you please.