Disappointment

I'm tired. And perhaps a little drunk, as I write this.
Maybe it's the only way I will write, when my inhibitions have fled, and all sense of my world has disappeared, and only the fundamental truths remain.

I'm disappointed by the way things have turned out. I've worked so hard with my goals. None of them have come to fruition. I have no idea where I'm going, and I have no idea who's going to be there when the final curtain-call comes, and I'm to fall on someone else, or never rise again.

I honestly think that I'll be alone when that dire call comes. I'd like to think I'm alright with that, and given a few hours sleep and the daylight, I probably will be. But right now, I'm not. I'm not alright with the fact that I can't count on anyone to be there when I need it. I'm not alright with the notion of self-confidence, when we're in a social society that's built around human interaction. Without it, there would be no relationships, no marriage. There'd be no love. Everything would be... just business as usual.

And this is, by and large, all I see. My eyes are crossed when nobody's looking, and I'll often zone out and just find myself in a different place. It's not a good place, nor a bad place. It's a place in my mind where I go when I'm just tired of reality, tired of everything people are putting up to avoid being realized. Avoid being revealed for the shallow husks that they really are.

I'd like to imagine it as a place where things are honest, but even then, it's not. It's just a place to pass the time. All the time it'll be until finally, I won't have to imagine that everyone's lying and I can honestly trust people again. It'll probably never happen, but even then I have no way of knowing.

I've tried very hard to become all that I've wanted to be. But in the end, I'm asking myself what the point was. I could be nice, or I could be rotten. The distinction is paper-thin, and really, nobody cares one way or the other, provided they get everything from me what they expected.

Perhaps that's it then. Perhaps what I'm looking for is someone like me. Someone who's looking for nothing. And eventually stumbles upon everything.