Sold-Out Crowd

Writers block is one thing, but knowing exactly what you want to say, but not being able to find the words for it is torture. When did I become such a politician when it came to dancing around the truth? When did I start giving a fuck about what people thought of my feelings? When did people start giving a fuck about people like me? Well, that last one I can answer. They haven't.

Despite all the noble intentions, the higher callings, and the niceties, deep down, people are just in it for themselves. There is no other way to live in the world of today. Our culture has become a kind of passive-aggressive cutthroat kind of monster, fed by a clash between selfish conservatism, and overbearing socialist tendencies. We want to succeed, no matter what the cost, but the few of us who still have a shred of ethics left want to impose rules on everyone for the greater good, through force and law if need be.

I don't do the right thing because I've been told to, or because there's a rule or a law saying it's how it should be done. I do it because I want to. Because I choose to. Everything I've done in my life has been done through choices. I've made some bad choices, yes. That's human. But when does a series of bad choices become so bad that they become a different path entirely, a path where the previously bad choices become good ones? Where harming others, destroying an already existing order, and raising one's status in the ensuing chaos are considered worthy goals?

I've always spoken my mind, but what people hear and what I say often depart from one another for opposite horizons. When I say that I live for myself, people interpret that as a selfish, self-serving goal. Not bothering to look beyond the face value of what I say can be a great injustice. In reality, when I say I live for myself, I live for my ideals, and my enrichment. Really, when you think about it, what else is there to live for? Money? Sex? Power? All these things are completely temporal and subject to the whims and history.

When people look back on me, I don't want them to see me as a prudent businessman, or a self-righteous politico. I dont' want them to see me as the misfit kid of two parents who wanted another engineer in the family. I don't want them to see a skinny man with no particular strengths or talents.

I want them to see me for the me I am, not the me that others have interpreted and extrapolated from their own divergent experiences.

I still have trouble telling people who I am, and what I do. I am somebody that doesn't matter, and I don't do anything worth noting.