Graces, and how to be a giant dick

Small talk is something that I can't fathom as a function of mine, which is ironic, I suppose, as people often find me humorous to be around.

It's a defense mechanism, or so I'm told. I make people laugh to ease tension and to allay anxiety. My anxiety mostly. But now that I've been told this, every time I crack wise, I picture one of those little lizards that pops their tail off at the first sign of trouble.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm in a strange situation. A... friend of mine and I are somewhat close, and every time we talk, she finds something either new or amusing out about me. I play music. I cook. I write. Fucking amazing, I know. Or I would. These are all fantastic skills I've acquired in an effort to avoid people. Or more directly, their criticism. Incapability and evil are the same thing in the average person's mind - remember that. I digress (again). So, we're talking away. She's being flirtatious. I'm just being a right goober. All's well, as I'm more comfortable as a singing, dancing, talking, cooking, writing monkey, than as an accomplished suitor.

Or would be. On the flip side of the "mirror", there's another guy (not me), talking to another girl (not my friend), and it's a completely... well. It's a negative image. Whereas I crack jokes and stumble around in a conversation like a drunken sailor, this fellow greets curtly, and then goes back to what he's doing. The girl he's speaking to is his girlfriend, whom he alternates between browbeating and ignoring. She's in a bad mood, and gets snarky. There's a bit of back and forth, then suddenly the mirror breaks.

I spent the next two hours going around with my foot in my mouth. That is, ladies and gentlemen, how to be a giant dick. Pull your best friend into a feud with your woman and you will - without a doubt - find yourself in a world of such verbal lye, your skin will start flaking off.

My own personal lesson from this event is twofold. One, never joke when somebody's furious. Two, have a car. Every single trait a man can have, short of a horse cock, is secondary to transportation.